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''Sir Gerold’s Guide To Heroic Endeavours''
Preface This Book * Within this tome you will find the secrets to unlocking your heroic potential and becoming a legendary warrior destined to change the world and defeat all evil forever. I can personally guarantee that I have developed and lived by this foolproof method of heroic action and have never ONCE died. Appendix I Section I Rule #1 * I have broken many areas of heroism down into a specific system that is easily understood in all cases, and above all else, there is one rule that will guide you true. Don't Die. Appendix II Section VII Trapsborough * A nice enough town if somewhat dull, it doesn't seem to attack much in the way of exciting danger or nefarious villainy. I recommend anyone looking to make a name for themselves seek their fame and glory in more exciting locales. Section XXXVII The Placid Tower * On an island in the middle of a great lake, is a tower full of boring monks who sit around all day doing absolutely nothing. If you can withstand the boredom of heir ways, they do know a great many martial secrets they are happy to share when they're done thinking or humming or whatever. Section LXXII '' ''The Guy * Twice in my adventures I have been lucky enough to come across a mysterious, singing creature known only as "The Guy". He possesses a deep love for gold, and will sell powerful items in exchange. If you think to cross him, DO NOT. I have seen a mighty warrior turned to dust in the blink of an eye for thinking to cheat The Guy. Chapter I Section I The Forests * The most common place for heroes to traverse is the forest, home to a huge variety of creatures. Many are natural denizens of the woods all living together in a balanced ecosystem; others are hideous abominations that require stiff, decisive justice to be applied liberally to their monstrous forms. Section V The Bogs * Swamps bogs, and marshy areas are typically horrible places, but as a hero you will undoubtedly find you must stride boldly forth into the mucky muck. Be aware that there are many beasts that require heavy doses of justice, including alligators, fish people, lizard people, smelly bog people, and trolls. Section VII The Homefront * Vigilance is key when combating villainy. Never put it pas a scoundrel to attack you where you feel most at home. They shall use your sense of safety to their advantage. That is why I never ever ever take my armor off. That's the smell of safety, friends. ' ''Section X'' ''Ancient Ruins'' * There are plenty of opportunities to express your heroism within ancient ruins! Always stride boldly forth., your sword held high, and your shield ready for the many, many, many dangers that will require swift and ferocious amounts of justice. ' Section LXVII Dimensional Spaces * There are some spaces that do not exist, and they can be useful or harmful. If this nonexistentspace is harboring a cowardly wizard hiding from justice, then, you see the problem. If it is instead being used to carry great quantities of treasure for heroes then it is good. ' Chapter II ''Section I'' ''Rope'' * If there is one thing you absolutely must have on your quest (besides this guide to heroism) it's a good length of strong rope. It comes in handy for climbing, tying up villains, ting up friends, and so much more. ' Weapons * The key to building a heroic reputation is wielding the right weapon. While the sword is a classic, it doesn't always stand out in the tales and songs that will be written about you. Consider training with a variety of weapons to see which style suits you. ' ''Inventory'' * Keep supplies neatly organized and keep a careful record of what you have. There is nothing worse than escaping a fortified enemy encampment and only then remembering you had a potion of invisibility in your pack the entire time. ' Section II Scrolls * Scrolls, they are entirely useless. However, it's always good to find some. The wizard will eagerly claim them, leaving better, more important treasure for the real heroes. ' ''Section IV'' ''Magical Items'' * There's just nothing better for distributing justice than a sword, except for a magical sword! Magical weapons, armored and other items can help protect you from terrible villainy and properly strike it from existence. ''Section V'' ''Rewards'' * Though your heroism has no motivation other than a sincere desire to destroy evil and spread good throughout the world, many people saved by you will insist on showering you with gifts. These can range from cooked meat, to money, to family heirlooms. ''Section VII'' ''Holy Water'' * If you are purging the undead scourge from the land on a holy crusade then I recommend carrying an ample supply of holy water. When you splash some on horrid abominations they will burst into flame. Who says heroes can't have fun? ''Section VIII'' ''Lock Picks'' * Lock picks don't steal things from privately owned vaults, homes, and lockboxes. Thieves with lock picks steal things from privately owned vaults, homes and lockboxes. That being said, you should keep a wary eye on anyone exercising their right to bear such tools as possibly in need of justice. ''Section XI'' ''Handy Haversack'' * You will find great treasures on your journey and it will be difficult ot carry them home no matter how incredibly thick your quads are. That's why every adventurer should invest in a Handy Haversack. These magical bags can carry far more than their apparent size would suggest. ''Section XXVII'' ''Griffon Egg'' * Wild griffons are noble, but dangerous beasts and should not be approached lightly. However, griffons raised from birth can be tamed and trained as powerful steeds. This makes Griffon eggs quite valuable if difficult to obtain. ''Section XVII'' ''Cursed Equipment'' * As magic is a deceitful and uncivilized practice, many items are made specifically to do great harm to their wilder. Never equip items from strangers without having your local priest check over them first. ''Cartography'' * Maps are excellent tools for navigating unfamiliar terrain. Keep a keen eye out for secret maps, which are even better maps for finding ancient mysteries. ''Tanglefoot Bag'' * Beware the criminal who employs the tanglefoot bag to slow your righteous pursuit. This small bag will burst when thrown and cover you in thick, sticky goo that is certain to trip you up. It also gets into the space between the plates of your armor and is just the worst to clean. ''Gold'' * No true hero's motivation is gold, but it will be needed to fund your adventures. Remember, you can't take your wealth with you when you die. Unless you are resurrected, then you should have some set aside for your new life. ''Section XXI'' ''Crystal Ball'' * The crystal ball allows you to see and hear things far far away from you. Someone who does not want to be seen can attempt to mask their activities in a cloak of secrecy. This is highly suspicious, of course, and anyone who chooses not to allow you to see them should be assumed to be hiding something dastardly. ''Section XXVII'' ''Unknown Items'' * When you first acquire a magical item in the wild you may not know its function. Not only does this make it impossible to use, but it can be wildly dangerous! Be careful to have each new item properly identified before attempting to use it. ''Section XXIX'' ''Ancient Artifacts'' * No mere trinkets or baubles, some artifacts have such incredible power that the have minds of their own! Artifacts are often extremely important items, and it is likely that any experienced hero will have to acquire one, destroy one, or acquire one to use to destroy another one. ''Section XXXII'' ''10 Foot Pole'' * Rather than tell you all the advantages of owning a ten foot pole, I challenge you to take one with you and discover the various uses you can come up with every day. I guarantee you'll be surprised how desperately you need this device. Note: This device is made mostly of bamboo. ''Section XXXV'' ''Spikes'' * A key piece of adventuring equipment is the simple spike. Useful in climbing to create handholds, useful for keeping doors hut. Useful for opening the skulls of villains. A good spike is a part of every smart hero's arsenal. ''Section XXXVII'' ''Alchemist Fire'' * This item's value is a matter of perspective. On one hand, you can use it to cleanse evil from the world in righteous fury. On the other hand it might explode if you stumble into the campfire while drunk. ''Section XL'' ''Silversheen'' * Many evil creatures cannot abide the touch of silver, but not every hero has a silver weapon handy. Silversheen provides a temporary coating of justice to your blade, so you can apply it forcefully to evil. ''Section XLIV'' ''Mithral'' * This rare metal is mined by dwarves and used to create the word's most indestructible weapons, armor, and tools. It is strong that many smiths have no idea how to work with it. ''Section LIV'' ''Sunrod'' * I don't see why academics get so excited about some advances. Take the sunrod; all that study, effort, and innovation to make a stick that sheds light in the dark. We've already had fire for quite some time, idiots. ''Section LXVI'' ''Circlet of Passivity'' * Troublesome people can be made docile with proper application of force, but in the rare instance that force is inadvisable, try magic. Chapter III ''Section I'' ''Heroes'' * Throughout time, evil has festered in the world. Standing against it are men and women of great strength and unshakable virtue. Men and women like you: Heroes. ''Mercenaries'' * There is no telling what lengths they will go to for a few coins. If you are foolish enough to employ them, there is never a guarantee that someone with a heavier purse won't purchase their loyalty away. You are better off dispensing justice yourself or with a like-minded group of heroic individuals. ''Section II'' ''Steeds'' * Evil requires a fast response, and walking will not always get you there in time to stop villainy. Every hero should consider training, and forming a bond with a valiant steed to carry them into battle. Bursting onto the scene atop an armored stallion will let scoundrels know you're the real deal. ''Helpless Foes'' * It is not becoming of a noble hero to slay an enemy that is unable to defend itself. Honor demands that one who has surrendered or rendered helpless is to be spared. Besides, a defeated but living foe may return again one day seeking revenge, and what's more heroeing than having your own nemesis. ''Bandits'' * No morals, no honor, and with a flagrant disregard for lawful conduct and personal hygiene. As always it is recommended that the honorable warrior attempt to persuade them to give up their lives of skullduggery, but it is more likely they will require a swift application of sharp, pointy justice. ''Soldiers'' * No war can be fought without men and women to fight it. Look for the best, the stronges, the fiercest people you can find. Barring any candidates, find anyone who can hold a sowrd and walk forward without too much trouble. ''Section IV'' ''Wizards'' * Weak, lazy, smug, and without respect for the natural laws we all live by, wizards are simply the worst. Most wizard's will go on and on about the mighty forces of the arcane, but a genuine push is sufficient to topple their noodly frames. ''Section V'' ''Goblins'' * Nasty, destructive, uncouth, dirty, smelly, stupid, vicious, and otherwise unpleasant. The average goblin is child's play for even the greenest hero, but they attack in large packs like horrible, murderous children. ''Grippli'' * Strange little frog men, as likely to be friend or foe as any sentient creature you encounter. They are fast and nimble, but not terribly strong. They like swampy areas and can move across treacherous bogs with ease. ''Inquisitors'' * Inquisitors seek out and destroy that which the church considers blasphemous. Their goals are often noble, but their methods can be -- abrasive. It is advised never to stand between an inquisitor and their target lest their judgement fall upon even your righteous head. ''Orcs'' * Orcs rarely get along with other communities, or even each other. While I would normally recommend referring to Chapter 11: A primer on Turning the Non-Righteous from Their Wicked Ways. It is far safer for you and your companions to immediately apply justice rigorously and thoroughly to any orcs you encounter. ''Section VI'' ''Ogres'' * Many adventurers find that their first real challenge is the ogre. It is incredibly large, strong and dumb, making it an excellent foe for the initiate hero. This is not to be confused with the giant or troll which would definitely kill you without question. ''Cultists'' * Sometimes the fanatical join together and form cults. Cults can range in goals from chanting in large groups about the evils of clouds, to attempting to resurrect dead gods of murder and chaos. Dispense justice accordingly. ''Section VII'' ''Wolves'' Some shaggy, four legged canines are your friends, but many are not. Wolves belong solidly in the 'not friends' category. If food becomes scarce they can become quite aggressive, and then it may be necessary to dispense defensive levels of justice to end the threat.' Bears * If you find yourself beset by a bear you have made a dire mistake and likely ignored a vital piece of advice found in this book. Some suggest playing dead when faced by a bear's terrible wrath, but this is decidedly unheroic. Instead, try persuading the bear to join your noble fight against all evil. Alligators * Alligators and crocociles are very similar. The key to survival is knowing which one you face. Luckily, there is a surefire way to tell. First, apply justice. Then, remove it's head and take it to the nearest friendly druid. Druids will have no trouble identifying which beast you've conquered. Boars * Boar guard one of nature's greatest treasures with instinctive aggression and powerful tusks. But if you are careful, crafty, and strong, the bacon will be yours for the taking. Section VIII Skeletons * Beware the skeleton which lurks inside you, waiting for you to perish so it can rise up and assault all that is good!. There seems to be no answer to the terrible skeleton menace. Undead * One important thing is that if you see someone who is dead get up and begin doing things, that's probably trouble. It's called being undead, and it is absolutely against the rules. As with most rule breakers. Section XII Alchemists * Friend or foe, if you are doing battle with an alchemist on the field, be prepared to explode. A lot. And if you don't explode, beware the hideous mutations alchemists across the realm experiment with. Section XIII Enforcers * Every gang of criminals employs a few large, typically dull, violent types to break noses when called upon. They tend to be no different from a schoolyard bully, targeting the innocent who cannot fight back and like a schoolyard bully they deserve the swift boot of justice. Section XIV Dogs * Dogs can be man's best friend, and they can be man's best friend's enemy's worst enemy when trained for aggression. Their keen senses make them excellent beasts for guarding against intrusion to sensitive areas. Section XV Animated Constructs * You will find that anything might be an agent of villainy, statues, possessed suits of armor, enraged trees, possessed chairs. Everything around you is a potential enemy and should be viewed with heroic levels of suspicion until proven otherwise. Law Enforcement * Town guards are typically regular people who didn't quite have what it takes to be a real hero. They might feel threatened by your obvious superiority, in these times it is best to play it straight even though you could undoubtedly destroy them without even trying. Rats * Generally disgusting creatures that pose little threat, but any seasoned hero can tell you that there are monstrous breeds out there, waiting to devour you. I think we all know what to do with these sorts, yes? Section XVII Ghosts * Ghost's are frustrating because they are difficult to destroy. You can't cut them or smash them. The best you can hope for is that they have some sad story of unfinished business you can tend to. That usually gets rid of them. Section XIV Slime Crawlers * There are 3 stages to Slime Crawler's lives The first is larval, and they are manageable if aggressive. The second is mature, in which they acquire a nasty paralytic toxin. The third stage is death which you should hasten it towards by applying copious amounts of justice to its body whenever encountered. Section XXII Owlbears * The owlbear is as idiotic a creation as it is abominable. Who decided to combine an owl and a bear? A wizard, clearly. Ridiculous. Hound Archons * Agents of the celestial realms sent to our world as guardians, enforcers of divine will, or hunters of evil, they are powerful allies against evil. These goodly creatures are skilled fighters bolstered by divine strength. Also they look like dog people, but it is not recommended that you mention this in their presence. Section XXIII Vampires * Foul creatures of the night, vampires are powerful and deadly adversaries. They are cunning, malignant, and nearly impossible to destroy. They will often stalk the night, seeking to drain the living of their lifeblood, and fear young women's bodices in scandalous disregard for propriety! Section XXVII Cadavers * Not quite mindless, the cadaver will attack living things with great malicious joy, if it doesn’t eat its victim, it will use the body to create another of its kind. What's worse, they are almost impossible to put down unless you blast them with holy wrath, so try to keep a bit of that handy. Section XXIX Dire Animals * Dark influences can turn even the cuddliest of woodland creatures into horrible monsters. Sometimes it may seem as though you have no choice but to burn down the entire forest to be rid of them. Well, you're right, it is the only way to be sure. Section XXXI Ochre Jelly * These creatures are nothing but mindless hunger, and can dissolve bare skin with a touch. Rather than fight them, it may serve better to walk away at a brisk pace, as they are terribly slow, if you must fight beware. Cut one in half, and you'll suddenly find yourself facing two hungry piles of goo. Section XXXII Shadows * Terrible shades hungry for the vital energy of the living. They require magic to kill, so bring you fanciest magic blade with you. If you don’t' have one, I guess bring a wizard along with you just in case, in this one instance, you find you need them. Shambling Mound * Is it one massive plant creature? Is it made of a mass of many individual plants that work in concert to destroy you? These are worthless questions for a druid to answer, not a hero! Bring this unnatural abomination to justice swiftly. Mandragora * The mandragora is a hideous little root monster with a poisonous hide. It's most dangerous feature, however, is the horrific shriek it emits, which will turn even the most stalwart hero's bowels to water, and their brains to mush. The trick to defeating this nasty creature is to stab it with your sword until it is dead. Section XXXIII Hags * In the hero's vocabulary, hag does not usually refer to the terrifying creature that is your mother-in-law. In this case, a hag is a monstrosity with sharp claws that seeks to devour the unwary after strangling the life out of them. So I suppose the meanings are similar, but this hag is a little taller and has somewhat more warty skin. Section XXXVII Stirges * Few creatures give me pause anymore, but the stirge is not to be taken lightly. These nasty blood thieves will seek to devour your precious fluids in direct violation with the third rule of survival. Which is, of course 'Keep All Blood Inside Your Body'. (These were coined as batsquitoes by Squire Quigley). Section XL Dead Gods * It is unlikely, but possible, for the influence of certain gods to fade from the realms. Remember, a defeated god is never truly dead, and you should be wary of villains attempting to seek out and return evil murder gods to the pantheon. ' ''Section XLI'' ''The Sixxers'' * A nefarious, far reaching criminal enterprise that I find to be unsavory and in dire need of a swift application of justice. They have so corrupted the town of Anderly that I have never managed to bring them down, but perhaps some hero in the future will. ''Section XLV'' ''Rot Grub'' * The rot grub will feast on dead flesh, but greatly prefers living flesh. As you will need all of your flesh to properly execute the advice contained in this book, you should do what you can to avoid the rot grub. ''Section L'' ''Gargoyles'' * You will develop a healthy caution around statues that look like horrible monsters because some of them are, in fact, horrible monsters. The most disconcerting aspect of the monstrous gargoyle is that they can fly. It makes no sense and no hero should abide such a disregard for the basic laws of physics. ''Trolls'' * One of the most fearsome creatures a hero might encounter. A hideous brutal, and cunning creature. The troll is perpetually ravenous and will eat anything made of meat (I.e. you). It can recover from even the most grievous of wounds with frightening speed, even reattaching severed limbs in mere minutes. ''Section LII'' ''Scorpion'' * Horrific little critters with poisoned stingers. I am told by many druids that they are an important part of the ecosystem (whatever that is), but just look at them. Dreadful. Spare them if you must, but don't be surprised if they show their gratitude by stinging your face. ''Yaenit'' * A lesser, hyena headed demon from the Abyss. As with all demons, it should be brought to merciless justice. It is dangerous with a blade and possesses some degree of magic that you should be wary of. ''Section LV'' ''Worg'' * Wolves are dangerous, but natural creatures. Worgs are even more dangerous, and wicked of heart. There is no reason to spare the worg from justice, as it acts with evil intent for the joy of spreading pain. ''Section LVIII'' ''Briarkins'' * These savage little plant men tend to be quite hostile and unreasonable. Sometimes they can be found in service to an evil druid. They attack in numbers from ambush when they can, but are likely to break like the cowards they are when you give them a right thrashing ''Ghast'' * A ghast is one of the more disgusting undead creatures you will encounter on your crusade against evil. They have the ghoul's ability to paralyze their enemies, and they smell bad. Really bad. ''Section LXI'' ''Elementals'' * There are creatures that exist as angry spirits of the elemental forces: Air, Earth, Fire, Water. Wizards will insist you employ their weakling magics when fighting these spirits because some elements beat other elements or something I don't know. Sword beats them all, so ignore the wizards as always. ''Mudmen'' * Elementals from the plan of Earth are sometimes rock monsters and sometimes icky mud people. In either case, deal out swift amounts of justice. ''Section LXIII'' ''Imps'' * The lowest of the devils, imps often act as servants to more impressive abyssal denizens. They are incredibly annoying little creatures, with the ability to become invisible whenever they choose. ''Devils'' * A devil delights in the subversion of something pure and good. Unlike a demon, which seeks to destroy, a devil seeks to corrupt. They will always make a tempting offer, but no matter what a devil promises, you can be assured that the price is higher than you think. ''Mummy'' * Powerful undead creatures wrapped in rags, preserved through rituals, and animated by pure hatred. Mummies are unlikely to physically overpower a seasoned warrior, but they can afflict you with a terrible plague with a mere touch, so don't get cocky. ''Section XXXIII'' ''Phantoms'' * Everybody dies, not everybody moves on. The people who don't, become phantoms, and since it is totally unnatural for phantoms to exist, they must cheat, and bond with a mortal mind. ''Section LXXXIX'' ''Ahuizotl'' * Legends tell of a vicious creature that stalks wetlands, devouring smaller creatures with delight. It's tail is said to end in a clawed hand, which it will use to grab it's prey and then lay into it with claws and teeth. I have never seen one myself, but if you do, I advise you to kill it. ''Section XCIX'' ''Cutlass Spider'' * Someone, at some time, decided it would be a fantastic idea to construct a spider made out of swords, and animate it with magic. If you still do not understand why wizards are the worst, I don't think you have the mental capacity for heroism. ''Dragons'' * Slaying a dragon is a milestone achievement for any great hero. Under no circumstances, should you consider a dragon as a possible pet. Not even baby dragons, not even ones you try to raise yourself from birth. They simply are not pets. No. ''Section CX'' ''Lilin'' * There is some speculation that Lilin's are a Demon/Devil crossbreed, which has resulted in them being relegated to lesser positions in the plane of Hell. As such they often fight twice as fiercely to achieve their goals, and make formidable foes to all that is good. ''Section CXII'' ''Exiled Shades'' * Exiled shades are former members of an organization they betrayed, and are doomed for eternity to simultaneously hate and long for their former brothers and sisters. These spirits will destroy the minds of their victims and enthrall them. ''Section CXXI'' ''Crystalline Horror'' * First, they blind you. Then they spray you with razor shards. Then, they beat the survivors to death. Rated one, would not encounter again. Chapter IV ''Section I'' ''Adventure'' * One of the many perks to being a hero is the joy of seeing the world, meeting new people, experiencing once in a lifetime opportunities! Adventure is its own reward. ''Section II'' ''Saving the Day'' * There will be times when protecting the innocent is not just a matter of slaying evil doers and monstrous abominations. You may find that many hazards need your attention. Fires, floods, earthquakes, and many other natural disasters are excellent opportunities to practice heroic endeavors. ''Intelligence Gathering'' * One of the greatest tools in the hero's box is the people you're saving. Sometimes the best path forward is asking questions. Just remind them that if they want someone to stop the marauding evil threatening their existence, they had best cooperate. ''Searching'' * Do not expect your destiny to find you. Search for answers, search for clues, search for secret buttons hidden in the wall that reveal the path into Ul'Forlath's sacred treasure vault. ''Section III'' ''Tracking'' * Your enemies will often flee before you to hid like cowards and knaves! The wise hero learns to track their foes across a variety of terrains to ensure there is not escape from justice. ''Administering Justice'' * So it's time to end villainy with violent distribution of flaming justice. It may seem frightening at first, but remember, that good always wins! If you find that you have died, a final review of your actions will probably reveal that you were, in fact, not heroic. ''Hunting'' * If you spend enough time in thee wilds there is no doubt you will need to learn to live off the land. A diet of only vegetation will lead to weakness, atrophy, and a crippling sense of self-righteousness. Therefore, you should learn to hunt for your food to maintain your heroic stamina over long journeys. ''Swimming'' * There are very few adventurers who live to become legendary heroes who do not know how to swim. Think on that, and then consider where you might get lessons. ''Section IV'' ''Climbing'' * Your aspirations are not always within immediate reach, but they can be! Scale the walls that bar your way unless there is a sign or other warning that would make it against the law. ''Section V'' ''Fight Smart'' * When striking as swiftly and with as much force as possible is a respectable choice, have you considered other options? Tripping, disarming, or intimidating your enemies may provide key advantages that make the difference between victory and defeat. ''Section VI'' ''Being Eaten'' * It is possible, nay, probable, that you will be eaten whole by some great beast at least once. Never fear, this is not the death sentence you may assume it is. In fact, cutting your way our of a monster's belly can even be fun! ''Section IX'' ''Looting'' * Unsavory sorts will rob blithely form the dead, with no regard for decorum. Remember, even a fallen foe deserves your respect. So, before taking something from the corpses of your deceased enemies, ask yourself, do you really need that? ''Night Watch'' * You must never allow your enemies to catch you unaware, and during sleep you and your companions are most vulnerable. Decide which members of your group are the least useful, and have them stand watch so that the more important people can regain their strength and wake up refreshed. ''Leadership'' * Every group needs a leader: someone to rally around and take charge in the dark and dangerous times. Obviously, that person is you. ''Section X'' ''Priorities'' * Your wizard companion is knocked out and you are left standing with one healing potion. Do you: A) Run to aid the wizard so you can resume your fight as a team B) Heal yourself and charge with all your fury. C) Who has time for potions? Stride boldly forth! ''Schemes'' * Schemes are not to be confused with plans, stratagems, or protocols. Schemes may look similar, but they are nefariously conceived for ill purposes. Schemers are to be dealt with harshly. ''Communications'' * Communication is the key to success and survival in a dangerous situation. For example, if you're being eaten by a sentient mold it is incredibly important that you promptly and clearly inform everyone around you so they can better assist you. ''Section XI'' ''Escort Duty'' * Sometimes your duty will involve ensuring the safety of a specific person or item, typically while travelling through hostile territory. This is one of the few times it's okay to leave other innocents to die, as duty clearly comes before your impeccable moral fibre. ''Section XIII'' ''Be Informed'' * The informed hero can spread justice efficiently, and ruthlessly with minimal collateral damage and loss of life. So, sondier allying yourself with a weak, bookish sort who wasted his or her youth reading books instead of practicing combat. ''Lost'' * Despite you best intentions it is possible that you will occasionally lose your way in the wilds. The wisest hero will choose a random direction and stride boldly forth. After all, there are only 4, and that's a solid 25% chance you will be correct. ''Section XIV'' ''Escape'' * I've never known a hero who wasn't involved in a daring escape at one point or another. In fact, I encourage you to allow yourself to be captured at lease once to experience the thrill of breaking free from your chains and hunting down your captors one by one. ''Puzzles'' * Many dungeons act as tests of worthiness for those seeking to enter. Strength of mind is often as important as strength of arms so make certain to bring someone along who can be bothered to solve annoying puzzles while you do the real work. ''Section XIX'' ''Scouting'' * Knowing what lies ahead is the key to surviving many dangerous situations. Send your stealthier, faster, more expendable companions head to identify any upcoming hazards; lest you be caught by surprise. ''Section XV'' ''Stealth'' * A hero should never seek to strike from the shadows, but that doesn't mean moving unnoticed is strictly prohibited. Just to be sure to announce yourself loudly and visibly before delivering justice to evil doers. ''Deception'' * One must always tell the truth to the best of their abilities! But you should be aware that non-heroic types do not always bind themselves to the pillar of honesty. ''Section XVI'' ''Extortion'' * Criminals might threaten their victims with harm unless they are paid. This is entirely different from when you casually point out that if the mayor doesn't pay your heroism fee you can't do anything about the giants threatening to destroy your town. ''Section XVII'' ''Camping'' * Many quests will not be completed in a single day, and you will find it necessary to rest on the road. This is an extremely vulnerable time for any hero, and it is important to choose a site that you can easily defend. ''Travel'' * Songs and tales are never spread about heroes who stay at hoe. To find adventure, you will do a great deal of walking, riding, swimming, and possibly flying. Pack accordingly. ''Quests'' * You should expect to spend most of your time aiding regular people by accomplishing extraordinary feats. This is commonly known as the quest, and every one will become a page in the legend of your heroism. ''Section XVIII'' ''Murder'' * When killing people, there is a right way, and a wrong way. Generally, you're allowed to kill people if they have already killed people they were not allowed to. You can also kill people who are about to kill people they are not allowed to. If you kill someone you aren't allowed to then other people are allowed to kill you. I hope that clears that up. ''Teamwork'' * The greatest heroes know that having strong allies to watch your back is key to survival. Only by working together can the strongest villains be overcome. Plus, the death of an ally really spices up the songs sung about your glorious adventures. ''Section XXI'' ''Imprisoned'' * If you ever find yourself held against your will by nefarious villains remember, they can cage your body, but never your mind. Unless they are enchanters in which case they can absolutely cage your mind. ''Section XXIIII'' ''Negotiating'' * Eventually your heroism and status will elevate you to a place where you will no longer have to pay currency for things. Until that time it is recommended that you engage in shrewd but fair negotiations. ''Interrogation'' * Sometimes evil doers seek to hide critical information from you. While it is necessary to show proper restraint, obtaining this information could save lives, so…this is where things get tricky friend. Just…do what your heart tells you. That's never wrong? ''Section XXX'' ''Planning'' * The key to every successful mission is to plot carefully. Be creative, inventive, unexpected and calculated in your approach to each challenge villainy throws your way. Then, always stick to the plan, NO MATTER WHAT! Unless… ''Routing Your Enemies'' * There are times when your enemies will flee in the face of your terrible yet glorious might. It is generally unsporting to strike at a fleeing enemy, but take into account that they might do further evil if allowed to get away. In the heat of battle…well, who can say, right? ''Section XXXII'' ''Diplomacy'' * Before laying about you with terrible vengeance, try words! Sometimes a villain is not really villainous at heart and can be swayed to the cause with a rousing speech. Sometimes you can get a discount at the pub. Be creative and use words to do all kinds of things! ''Section LII'' ''Sneaking Around Back'' * The element of surprise is a weapon that can make even the toughest enemies child's play to defeat, and nothing is more surprising than taking you enemies from the back door. ''Section LXXX'' ''Human Sacrifice'' * Religions devoted to evil will often sacrifice innocent victims in horrific rituals to give power to evil deities. This is totally different from when you bring justice to evil doers to give power to good deities no matter what those ivory tower academics tell you! ''Section XCV'' ''Collateral Damage'' * Every now and then a town burns down. I know it wasn't your fault. You know it wasn't your fault. However, the people who lived in the ridiculously flammable, clearly unsafe town may take issue with your heroic action and try to place the blame on you. ''Networking'' * Until you are renowned throughout the lands, you will find that you cannot waltz into a new town and demand an audience with the local lord. Start small, advertising salvation to the lowly peasants, farmers, and merchants. You're certain to catch the attention of nobler stock soon enough. ''Section XCIX'' ''Mercy'' * Mercy is when you don't kill a beaten foe. This may seem like a fool's strategy, but commoners really seem to dig that kind of thing and even celebrate you for it. Obviously the smart thing to do would be to purge all evil with extreme prejudice, but hey, peasants, what can you do? ''Section LXI'' ''Spontaneous Requisition'' * Thieves steal things. Heroe's spontaneously requisition' things. Just ask yourself, would the farmer rather be swallowed by a world cast in a thousand years of darkness, or be missing his favorite horse that you needed to chase down villainy. ''Section LXIII'' ''Ambush'' * Villains will often lie in wait for you to stumble into a trap, like wicked, lazy spiders. You will soon become accustomed to the signs of an impending ambush, such as poorly hidden minions in bushes, poorly hidden minions in trees, or arrows descending upon you in a dark cloud of death as if from nowhere. ''Section LXV'' ''Sticking Together'' * Whether in the wilderness or the depths of a dungeon, you must work to keep the party together. While you will have no trouble facing the dangers lurking in the darkness, your companions are certain to get themselves killed. ''Section LXX'' ''Adventurer's Code'' * Sometimes, adventurers die. Not true heroes, such as yourself, of course, if you find the remains of a fellow wanderer, it is acceptable to acquire anything of use they may have had on them. This is entirely different from grave robbing which is VERY WRONG. Unless... ''Section LXXVI'' ''Disguise'' * It can be tiring moving about town with a flock of avid fans, all begging for tales of your heroic exploits. I recommend going incognito, which is also a useful strategy if you find yourself in parts where your heroism has caused unfortunate but clearly necessary collateral damage. ''Section CIX'' ''Apologies'' * As a hero you are never wrong, but sometimes the only way to calm a heated situation is to be the even bigger person than you already are and say you are sorry for whatever made up thing people are mad at you about. Remember, you don't have to mean it; you just have to say it. Chapter V ''Section I'' ''Fire'' * So you've found yourself on fire. As I'm sure you are aware this is a painful experience and it will result in your death unless you heed my advice. First, which parts of you are on fire? Are you surrounded by a larger, more imposing fire? Secondly, stop being on fire. This can be accomplished through a variety of methods. ''Section III'' ''Traps'' * Evil doers do so love to employ tricky mechanical and magical safeguards in lairs, and near treasure. Always open doors, chests, and cupboards in suspected villain's homes with great care. Dispense justice if necessary once the traps are safely disabled. ''Section IV'' ''Poison'' * Villains and cowards often employ toxic substances to destroy the noble hero's body in all manner of horrible ways. The best way to deal with such underhanded methods is to be incredibly strong and hardy, so that their sneaky poisons are no match for your heroic constitution. ''Section IX'' ''Healing'' * When injuries happen, you could wait for them to heal. It is far more efficient to employ divine intervention or potions for an immediate return to your full glory. ''Section X'' ''Death'' * Uh oh, you're dead. Hopefully you've followed enough advice in this book that people will sing praises of your heroism. Barring that, hopefully your death was noble and dignified and as outlined in "Chapter 13: Everyone Dies. Make yours count. ''Section XII'' ''Cold'' * The dangers of the natural world are many, and one cannot forget that sometimes the very elements are against you. A hero always wears his scarf and hat when the freezing winds howl. Just like your mother taught you. ''Section XVI'' ''Paralysis'' * Some creatures can interrupt your administration of justice by rendering your body incapable of movement. In most cases this is only temporary. Unless they should eat you. Then it is quite permanent. ''Section XIX'' ''Gasses'' * It is incredibly important to only breathe air. Other gaseous substances may smell enticing, but sometimes wicked people hide noxious evil within. Never let anything into you lungs unless your cleric has inspected it first. ''Section XVII'' ''Friendly Fire'' * The fog of war can make keeping things straight in a battle incredibly difficult. Once arrows and spells begin to fly you may find yourself injured not by the enemy, but by your own allies! Just remember that swift and bloody retribution is NOT a heroic virtue, but forgiveness is. ''Section XXI'' ''Disease'' * Obviously, you are protected from most illness by the power of conviction and your heroic fortitude, but your weaker companions may fall ill to such a degree that their convalescence delays your quest. This is generally a sign of unworthiness and you should consider leaving them behind. ''Section XXIV'' ''Mutation'' * There are many aberrant beasts in the wild, and some are not born that way but become monstrous through magic or other dastardly means. This can lead to all manner of mutant creations roaming free, and that's just not safe for anyone. ''Section XXXVII'' ''Mummy Rot'' * When you contract mummy rot, you begin to waste away, your wounds refuse to heal even with magical aid, and it requires the breaking of a curse and a cure for diseases to be rid of. Do not contract mummy rot. Chapter VI ''Section II'' ''Religion'' * The gods of good nature can be powerful allies when properly honored. Bonus tip: If you don't currently have a quest or cause, consider joining a church and waiting for your new god to declare war on another! ''Nobility'' * Knowing who is who in the court can be very useful. After all once tales of your heroism spread you will undoubtedly attract the attention of many suitors. Accidentally accepting the advances of a lord's wife might provide a layer of complication to your prospects of a long and happy life. ''Section IV'' ''Spell Memorization'' * Wizards have to do a lot of reading every day to be of any use. While this will slow your journey to a frustrating crawl every morning, you should take special care to leave he wizard alone, or they will become extra insufferable for the rest of the day. ''Section VI'' ''Dungeoneering'' * One of the few useful fields of study, dungeoneering, combines all the current theories on dungeon craft from those who have managed to survive one or two. ''Section VIII'' ''Magic'' * Long gone are the days when practitioners of magic were categorically rounded up and given swift and merciless amounts of justice. Now, weaker, softer people aspring to heroism can employ it to aid your quest. ''Section IX'' ''Deciphering'' * Many times you will run across written languages that you don't understand. Now, you already know the best way to deal with something you don't understand, but written words can't be killed so you'll need a different tactic. Try ignoring them all together, but if you cannot, hire a scholar to translate them. ''Section XI'' ''Conjuration'' * Oh look at me. I can open the fabric of reality to summon a rope or an astral dog or whatever. Conjurers are just lazy people who don't want to carry things or make real friends. ''Organized Crime'' * Thieves guilds, mobs, gangs and smugglers plague every city like a…plague. And while I may not have a strong grasp of similes. I do have a strong grasp on my bland that I use like a doctor's sword to cut the villains… Because they are the disease. ''Section XII'' ''Alchemy'' * Alchemists are excellent for creating explosive doses of intense justice, and are valuable allies if noble-hearted, but always be very careful if they offer you something to drink. ''Nature'' * It's good to know which animals are dangerous and which are friendly. If you choose not to study this in depth, then I suggest assuming all are dangerous, and bringing preemptive justice to bear. ''Section XX'' ''Arcana'' * Many people study magic for some reason, and can go on and on about it at great length. ''Section XXI'' ''Evidence'' * Before making an accusation of wrongdoing it is best to have evidence that backs up your claim. For example, does the person you're accusing have sinister eyebrows? A goatee? Is it a woman who floats in pure water? These are all perfect examples of hard evidence of evil-doing. ''Section XXVIII'' ''Divination'' * Sometimes it pays to ask the supernatural for information. There are plenty of ways to go about this. I suggest leaving that to experienced diviners, especially of a religious bent. ''Section XXIX'' ''Illusions'' * The worst type of magic, besides necromancy, of course, is the illusion. A lie made by magic! Trickery in every sense! Be on your guard when illusionists are about, as they have no decency, or moral fortitude! ''Section XXXII'' ''Necromancy'' * Obviously, bring swing swift and merciless justice to anyone practice necromancy. I mean, even children know how to burn and hang practitioners of death magic. That's the most popular group activity at Sir Gerold's Camp for Young Heroes in Training. ''Section XXXIV'' ''Evocation'' * If you must bring a wizard with you on your travels, consider the evoker. They are the closest thing to a warrior that their sort is capable of, and their destructive magic is great for dealing with lesser minions so that you can concentrate on the real challenging foes. ''Section XLIII'' ''Transmutation'' * The Transmuter comes in two forms. A wicked villain, turning good people into horrible abominations that must be brought to justice, or a goodly wizard insisting they can make you better, faster and stronger. Considering you are already at peak physical performance, you might as well leave these guys at home. ''Section LII'' ''Laws'' * There are many things that are illegal, that are not evil. There are many things that are legal that are not good. Since you are a hero, you should not concern yourself with such trivialities, because you('re) good and correct. ''Section LXI'' ''Power Structure'' * While titles of nobility are still highly valued, it would do you well to remember that power in society is bought with increasing frequency. Learn which businesses hold power in your locality and stay in their good graces. Unless they are hotbeds of corruption, then destroy them. ''Section LXI'' ''Power Structure'' * 'Section LXVII'' Last Rites * Every culture has a different way of dealing with the dead, and it is in your best interest to observe those customs even for your most bitter foes. Aside from being more culturally sensitive, it is a good way to make sure your foes do not return as vengeful terrors of the night bent on devouring your soul. Chapter VII Section I Oaths * The word of a hero must become deed, and an oath should never be made lightly." Party Conflict * Gaining allies can be important, but people working together under stressful conditions can cause conflict. Always remember, violence should be saved for use against villains only. Stride Boldly * Never allow villainy to prosper through hesitation, fear or inaction. When in doubt, always stride boldly forth with you sword raised to the heavens. Section II Evil * As a hero, you are good. Your job is to destroy things that are evil. There are many people throughout your lifetime who will insist that there are more complicated issues at stake and that there are shades of gray between good and evil. That is, of course, evil and so you should destroy them. Section V Love * I have fought many battles, and faced incredible dangers but the toughest and most dangerous battle of all, is that to conquer the heart. *Author's Note: You should avoid pointed applications of justice in this instance. Section VI Corruption * People (aside from you) are often easily influenced by the lures of money and power. Even the stalwart will sometimes give in to these temptations. They may resort to taking bribes, bestowing untoward favors, or allowing villainy to move unchecked in a dastardly game of quid pro quo. Root it out with fervor. Betrayal * When you are betrayed by someone you have placed your trust in, there is one thing you should remember above all else. That is, never trust anyone again, obviously. It was a mistake in the first place and quite frankly I am disappointed in you. Section VII Trust * Some will tell you to trust no one, but that's silly. Heroes are trustworthy. I am trustworthy. That meat-pie maker on Habersand Street is NOT trustworthy. Caution * Caution is a tricky and complex thing. Many lesser base emotions can disguise themselves as caution such as fear, indecisiveness and sloth. It is generally best not to take the risk of succumbing to such things and stride boldly forth. Chivalry * Description Greater Good * It's not okay to bend the laws of justice and good in order to achieve a good end unless it's for the Greater Good. I'm sure that I don't need to explain to you how the Greater Good is much larger and more important than just regular good, so there's more leeway for how you dispense justice. Section VIII Persistence * The key to heroism is never giving up, no mater how many limbs you've lost. Patience * Patience is a virtue. But the hero mus sacrifice such things, I'm afraid. Waiting for thins to happen is for the common people. A hero makes things happen now! Section IX Optimism * Some say the glass is half empty. Some, the glass is half full. A hero knows that the glass is likely poisoned and the only way to be sure is to lay about him with unrelenting fury until someone gives him some answers. Section X Perception * A keen eye for danger is critical to survival. Awareness of your surroundings is also great for finding well-hidden villainy. Compassion * You should always remember that not everyone in the world is a strong, noble skilled warrior destined to save the world. After all if they were they wouldn't need you! Be kind to the common folk, and show sympathy for their problems no matter how pathetic they may be. Section XI Renown * As you complete amazing feats of heroism is is likely that your name will be known far and wide. Parades may be thrown, feasts held, and perhaps even holidays name in your honor. Cowardice * An unacceptable trait in any hero. Cowardice will often bear many disguises. "Caution", "Prudence", "Playing it safe". Never let such nonsense get in your way. Section XXII Luck * There are some who might seek to discredit your accomplishments as luck or good fortune. Pay these fools no mind. Being born with such heroic potential was no mere accident, and seizing your destiny is no random twist of chance. Accusations * Accusations are different from allegations. I accuse the grand vizier of poisoning the king because I know he's a villain. The town guard alleges I was drunk and seen juggling torches near the inn, which is impossible because I don’t know how to juggle and I need those torches for a daring quest. Section XVI Hope * Sometimes, in the darkest moments the only thing that keeps us going is hope. For even when all seems lost, a last desperate effort can change the tide of battle. Make certain you write down any details immediately after it is over because you want that in your ballad for sure. Section XIX Courage * A key virtue of heroism is courage. You will be tested with ridding the world of great evil and face death at every turn. If you cannot face the darkness with a resolute heart, perhaps the life of a wizard or pottery maker is now to your liking. Section XXIII Destiny * As a hero, you are part of something larger than yourself. Embrace your destiny, and stride boldly forth. Willpower * In your darkest moments you must fight through the pain to do what must be done. Try counting to ten. Anything can be endured for ten seconds, right? Except disintegration, that's immediate and you will be completely vaporized. Section XXIV Intimidation * To coerce cooperation, sometimes you use the carrot, other times the stick, so the saying goes. In this metaphor, the stick might be threatening to bludgeon the target if he does not cooperate, while the carrot may be a threat to jam something pointy into their eyes. Be creative here. Section XXV Indecisiveness * The only wrong act is failing to act. See also, acts leading ot innocent deaths, acts leading to your death, acts that result in large scale destruction, etc. Section XXXII Sense Motive * Sometimes knowing why someone isn't telling you something is just as important as knowing what they aren't telling you. Watch for telling signs of dishonesty with a keen eye. Section XXXVII Faith * Faith is your compass, allowing you to move blindly forward and ignore the consequeces of killing all those people who got in your way or wonder if they had children maybe, or ailing parents, or even just a little dog now alone in the world because you slaughtered its owner for stealing candies. Faith. It's good. Section XLI Gray Areas * Some insist there are people and actions that are neigher good, nor evil. This is clearly false. You, and things you do, think and believe, are obviously good because you are a hero. Things that oppose you, are clearly evil. Don't let anyone confuse the issue with this "shades of gray" nonsense. Section LXIV Inspiring the Troops * Your companions do not possess your implacable mental fortitude and may become despondent in the face of the challenges of heroism. It may be tempting to slap them vigorously until they snap out of their melancholy, but before you do, try inspiring them with words. Chapter VIII Section I Weather * A Hero's job is never done, and villainy will not rest simply because of a little bad weather, so neither should you. In fact, villainous plots sometimes cause inclement conditions, so get out there and brave the elements. Section II Day * The light of the sun scours many types of evil from the world, but that's no reason to let your guard down. There are plenty of opportunities for justice by the light of day. Section III Night * The sun has set, casting the world in shadows. A perfect opportunity for villainy to work its vile designs. Be vigilant. Section X The Mitre of Saint Pirrin * A religious relic of the Church of Arrander, the Mitre actually has very little power, but it does cloak whoever wears it in a benevolent aura of good. Chapter IX Section IX Speeches * You will find that after a heroic endeavor you may be called upon to give a speech. It will be tempting to say you have destroyed all evil forever, but I recommend hinting that it could return. You don't want the peasants questioning why they're still giving you free food and discounts on merchandise. Section XXV Contingency Plan * The foolish will insist you not only make a plan, but take the time to make several backup plans in case the first one fails (as if!). Luckily for you, you always have a backup plan, certain to succeed against any odds: Stride boldly forth, and meet the enemy head on. Section L Retreat * Retreat is a word that often implies fear or cowardice to less tactically minded individuals Clearly, it's prudent and sound to let your enemies live today in order to defeat them tomorrow and so you must move away from a battle. To avoid confusion, call it 'Charging bravely towards less violent areas'. Chapter XI Section VIII Goblin Linguistics * The goblin language is most easily learned by children, especially destructive, sadistic children. Orcish * It took dozens and dozens of linguists to puzzle out the orcish tongue. This was made difficult by the orcish disgust for written documents. Also their penchant for eating the linguists. Chapter XII Section I Drinking * A pint of something strong goes wonderfully with the daring tales of your exploits. Two pints lends flair to your speech that will make any bard proud. That is an excellent place to stop, less you be found the next morning in particularly unheroic circumstances. Hangovers * When you find that you've drunk too much, the next day you may experience what is commonly known as "Binnibly's Wrath". Don't ask me why, but trust that it is best avoided. Victory * There is no greater joy than defeating an enemy, completing a quest, or finding an ancient treasure. While you may wish to stride boldly forth into the next challenge, don't forget to treat yourself to a little 'you' time before plunging headlong into danger again. Section II Heroic Movements * 1 star for each of the following. Finding a good seat. Having a quality wiping material. A smooth movement. A pleasant view. Seeing one of nature's creatures. An extra half star is awarded if said creature is also pooping. Enjoy! Sleeping * Adventurers have to sleep, just like normal people. A proper amount of sleep allows a hero the time to heal their wounds. When you wake up, you'll feel better.` Section VI Vulgarity * It is rarely appropriate to resort to foul language. Vulgarity is the tool of knaves, fools , and demonic spirits from the eternally burning fields of Tartarus. Section IX Secrets * There are many types of secrets that you will ferret out in your travels: secret societies, secret treasures, secret documents, secret affairs between the lord's daughter and the local bandit king. All are valuable in their own way. Section X Presentation * It's easy for common upkeep to get lost in the hectic life of saving the world. When was the last time you had a bath: or your armour was polished to a silvery sheen? Smile in public. Let people see you as approachable. After all, you're a hero, not some smelly, shirtless barbarian. Section XIV Eating * Food is an essential part of a growing hero's daily regimen. Without you will die. Never leave home without it. Water * Without any water, you will surely die. The same goes for too much water. The point is that water is not entirely to be trusted. Approach with caution. Section XIX Goals * Set goals, but remember to start with reasonable things you can achieve. 'Destroy all evil forever' is admirable, but not a good goal. 'Destroy Baron Herrfang the Bloodless' is a good goal, because it is reasonable and achievable. See the difference? Section XXIV Manners * While not quite villainy it may be appropriate to distribute smaller manageable doses of justice to people unwilling to be polite. Section XXXVI Defeat * You may often look around and see lesser, common folk failing to accomplish their tiny, relatively insignificant goals. Don't worry, you will surely never have to experience this phenomenon known as 'defeat'. Section X The Mitre of Saint Pirrin * A religious relic of the Church of Arrander, the Mitre actually has very little power, but it does cloak whoever wears it in a benevolent aura of good. Chapter XVI Section XXI Geography * I wouldn't waste too much time studying geography. After all that's what maps and scribes are for. Chapter XX Section IV Magical Travel * Like all other forms of physical activity, wizards have found a way to abolish walking from their lives. They will teleport from place to place, crossing great distances instantaneously to avoid doing even the barest forms of exercise. Section X Portals * When you encounter a magical portal, remember: WWJD W-here does it go? W-ill there be a way back? J-ump? D-o it! Section XIX Entanglement * There is magic, (ugh), that can be quite useful for slowing down foes. Many druids are known to call upon the plants around them to entangle tricky villains. Naturally, this magic can be turned against you by evil doers, but that's why you rely on thick plates of impenetrable steel. Section XXI Word of Anthema * An inquisitor has many tools in their quest to destroy heresy, and one of them is the curse of anthema. Those afflicted find themselves barely able to stand against the holy tide of the inquisitor's wrath.